Daily Dose of Aggravation:

Lying to My Kids Comes Back to Bite Me in the Butt

March 22, 2024

Dana Koogler

I think enough time has passed I can tell this without keeling over. It is funny, but it is my messed up kind of funny. We lived way out in the country and everywhere we went was a long drive. I had a 45 minute drive one way to work. I drove to a family practice medical office in Lexington, Va for many years. If the kids were out of school I'd take them by our babysitters and drop them off on my way. I'd pick them up on the way home.

One afternoon in Summer I scooped my kids up from Jean's house and headed toward our farm. My daughter Crystal was about seven or eight. Jared was around three or four. On the ride home no one was real talkative. Crystal said "I hope I sleep better tonight. I had the worst time trying to sleep. Daddy was keeping me awake with all the racket he was making."

I asked her what kind of racket? She said " I don't know what was the matter with him, but I kept on hearing this squeaky sound like the bed springs. It really got on my nerves. What on earth is wrong with him?"

I know my eyes felt big as saucers, but I had to try to keep a poker face.

I had to think fast. I came up with a quick explanation. When the truth won't do you find a lie and you die with the lie. I could not tell my children about sex at those ages. I chuckled and said "Well, it's like this. Your Daddy is a real crazy guy. You know how we tell y'all not to jump on the beds?" The kids both nodded in the affirmative.

"He knows better than to tell you not to do a thing and then do it himself. He waits until y'all are asleep and he goes in our room and jumps on the bed like a trampoline when he thinks you won't know." The kids both laughed at first, but then Crystal was indignant. She exclaimed "Well I'm going to tell him about this when I get home. It isn't right for him to break my rest. It isn't right for him to tell us to not jump on the beds then act like that. He's going to hear about this."

I told her I did not blame her and to let him have it when he got home.

Kenny arrived home an hour or so later. The kids by now were playing and had hopefully forgotten about it. I knew our daughter very well. I didn't believe she would forget. I took Kenny aside. I related the conversation in the car. I told him he was liable to get a sermon from our seven year old. He grinned and raised his eyebrows like "We'll see".

It wasn't long until the children realized Daddy was home. They came to get hugs and kisses.

They love their Daddy. Once that was out of the way Crystal proceeded to give Kenny a going over for his transgressions. He sat there and took it like a champ for awhile. He played along and acted very sheepish. Then he broke character and couldn't contain himself any longer. He fell down in the floor laughing so hard he couldn't speak. At first this only made Crystal madder, but the utter ridiculousness of the thing broke us all up. Soon we were all rolling around in the floor laughing. The scene of Kenny, that big tall goober jumping on the bed like a little kid was too much.

Fast Forward Three or Four Years.

One Sunday after church we all gathered at my parent's home for lunch. It was mom, dad, myself, Kenny, both kids, my sister Erica and brother in law Brian. We sat there lingering around the table. Dad and Kenny had gone in the living room to watch tv and visit. The rest of us were in the kitchen still nibbling and chatting. Crystal sat by her Uncle Brian and got to telling things that she thought were funny. She piped up and said "One time Daddy put us to bed so he could jump on their bed while he thought we were asleep! He is crazy." My brother-in-law Brian and I have a great relationship. He tried for years to turn me into a real man! He nicknamed me the "Golden Needle" for my sewing. We love to aggravate one another in this family. You don't ever do a dumb thing without it being thrown up in your face endlessly.

Brian's eyebrows went up and he whirled around toward me. He recognized a Dana-style fib when he heard it. In a knee jerk reflex I leaped up from the table and ran into the other room.

I was laughing, but also horrified. He jumped up and chased me down. "Oh no. You're gonna tell me the REST of this story, honey!" I knew I was caught. I whispered the truth to him and we sat there laughing like idiots. My story telling had caught up to me.

In the words of Leon Phelps the Ladies Man "Yeth, I am a freak and a pervert."

Above: The lovely Helen Franklin and the Ladies man Leon Phelps
Below that -- Dwayne the Rock Johnson and Leon Phelps

Leon Phelps: Yeah. Well, you know, I’m a freak and a pervert, but I hardly ever get my jollies from drag queens. But, you know, if you a dude and a cop, how come you didn’t arrest me? After all, I offered to pay you to do a lot of freaky stuff.