Daily Dose of Aggravation: My Next Husband Will Have a Pony Tail

Daily Dose of Aggravation:  

My Next Husband Will Have a Pony Tail 

Dana Koogler 

Dec. 19,2023

Above: my little ponytail husband of the future 

     I decided to write blog entries about some of the funny ways me and Kenny annoy one another.

It's part of how we show affection in this family.  You do something dumb and you will be reminded of it lovingly, but laughingly many times over the years.    I can't sew that great, but my mom and step mom are great seamstresses.   Consequently my brother-in-law Brian calls me The Golden Needle.  Stuff like that.   Kenny and I have been together for so long and we both have so many idiosyncrasies.     We like to kid each other.   It is partly a coping mechanism. Instead of getting truly angry with one another's ways we joke about it.  

       Dana's Idiosyncrasy that Lead to This Exchange:  I HATE to be told what to do and forced to do a thing.   People's expectations of performance from me light a match under my ass. 

     I am including a funny video clip below from the movie The Hot Chick    that perfectly sums up my attitude, feelings, and actions when it comes to being expected or forced to do a thing.   The movie is Rachel McAdam's character Jessica switches bodies magically with a random low life dude who then uses her body he is inhabiting to strip to earn money.    It is comical and very apt for my internal landscape regarding expectations.  Especially stereotyped expectations.  

         Kenny's Dream Motorcycle

 

  Kenny likes motorcycles and over the years has episodes where he fancies himself a biker. 

He has bought and sold a couple bikes.  I have given it a try each time. I've really made the effort to be a sport.    No denying that, but I don't like motorcyles. Never have. Never will.  I also don't fit with the biker chick lifestyle and Kenny doesn't fit the biker image in any way.     One day after selling the last sports bike he mused "One day after I retire I'll get another motorcycle." 

He was gaging my response.   It was not what he hoped for when I replied "You go ahead. You will be riding it without me the next go round.  I don't like it. It makes my back hurt.  I feel foolish. I don't like or fit that lifestyle."    He knows me only too well.  He knew a couple things right now.  #1 -- I really meant what I said having tried it twice before.  #2  He knew if he kept on being pushy about it .. I'd be annoyed.    

        I guess he figured if he couldn't count on me to go riding with him he may as well have some fun at my expense.     He got real quiet for a moment, but that didn't mean he was letting it drop.

"You ARE going with me on the motorcycle like it or not."  he said.  I quizzed him "How do you reckon you're going to get me on there?"   He grinned and said "Oh you're going sweetheart if I have to put a side car on that thing and hog tie you and set you in there. You ARE going!" 

        Below are two hilarious images of bikes with sidecars... this is what came to mind.  

Well, truthfully I had Sgt. Schultz and Col. Klink from Hogan's Heroes in mind,  but couldn't find a very good image of those scenes. 

  I was not to be so easily outdone by the whole forced sidecar thing.   I told Kenny "Look, if I wanted to be married to a biker. I'd have married a biker.  I'll tell you what I'll do.  When you kill yourself on that motorcyle my next husband will be just that.. a REAL biker."   I went on to describe the criteria.

He will wear leathers. He will ride a Harley-Davidson.  He will have a long pony tail.  He will be rich as Croesus.  He will be four feet tall and weigh about 120 lbs.    When I say jump he will say "How high?"  

      Kenny's eyes got big and he must not have liked the image that conjured up.  He said "Oh Lord! You just want him to be like that so you can boss him around and beat him up! You'll take hold of him by that ponytail and be swinging him around like a club!    The look of astonishment on his face was priceless.    "That's right!" I declared.  

        Then the utter ridiculousness of the conversation settled over both of us and we just lost it. We laughed hysterically.    Shortly after that we were going down the road in the vehicle when we passed a motorcyle with a side car with a biker man and a woman in the sidecar.  It was one of those honking big Honda Goldwings.     I really don't like them.  I always say if you're going to get a motorcyle that size you may as well buy a Miata or a compact sports car.      

   Over the years as that story has gotten told to grandchildren it has never failed to illicit a fit of laughter.   Our grandson Michael is almost as evil as me. He'll see a dude now and then who fits my given description and will point him out to me making us laugh all the more.  

Below are several photos of Kenny with the last motorcycle he owned. 

  I am really mean and have a black hearted sense of humor.  

Below is a series of photos I shot from the vehicle at a gas station in Tellico Plains, TN.  

I saw a biker dude come out dressed in full leathers.  He stood and smoked.  Then he proceeded toward his ride which was not a motorcycle, but a scooter!!!!   A little Japanese scooter of all the things. 

I was really laughing about this.  

He's the Japanese Anime biker dude!   

 

How to Shave a Cat's Butt

Funny Stories of Sophie the Cat & My Evil Doings

Dec. 16, 2023

Dana Koogler 

  We got our first cat in Tennessee in about November of 2003.   I was working at an orthopedic practice with a very nice man named Glenn Urban.  He was an ortho tech.     He invited us out to his place to visit him and his sweet wife Mary.  He was showing us around. We had a fun day.  He let Kenny come deer hunt on their farm.     His cat had kittens and they were super cute.  Kenny had never been a cat person, but decided we needed a kitten.   The mama cat was particularly sweet and such a good mother all the nurses at Baptist Hospital had her kittens.      We went home with a tiny, barely weaned gray and white kitten we named Sophie.     She was one of the sweetest cats we've ever had. 

      She had a funny personality.  She followed me everywhere like a child.   This lead to some hilarity later on as she got older.  

Cover It Up!  -- Sophie and the Bathroom 

    I wasn't kidding when I said Sophie followed me everywhere.  I couldn't even take a pee without her following me into the bathroom to shred the toilet paper, climb up on the toilet tank, and walk around and all over me.   She was like my kids when they were small.   You'd go to use the bathroom and have a toddler patting your knees.     One night I was lying on the bed reading a book.  Kenny was on the throne and had the door open a crack.    I saw Sophie come trotting in and dart straight in the bathroom.  I stopped reading and perked up.  I wondered what she'd do when she realized it wasn't me in there?

  I did not have to wonder long.  In a matter of seconds she came flying back out of the bathroom with her eyes big as saucers.  As soon as her paws hit that bedroom carpet she started "digging" the way cats do when they bury their poop or pee in the litter box.    She dug and dug.  About that time Kenny hollered from behind the bathroom door "Uh-huh! That's right! Run!  I bet you'll think twice before you come in this bathroom again when *I"M* in here! " and he laughed.  The cat looked shaken up and stalked away with me laughing uncontrollably on the bed and Kenny laughing like mad from the terlit. 

       If I live to be 100 years old I'll not forget it.  

Below: Sophie patiently waiting to see a bird in the window

 

Them's Fightin' Words! I'll Smack Them Eyebrows of Yer Face! 

   Our daughter Crystal was about fifteen.  She was really funny and expressive.  She took a notion to wiggle her eyebrows up and down at the cat to see what Sophie would do.  The cat did something alright. She got mad. Apparently that is a declaration of war in cat language.   She meowed at Crystal and jumped at her.  Then she stalked off to pout.  We thought it was cute and funny.   Crystal didn't make a habit of it, but she would do it now and again to get a reaction out of the cat.  

    One Saturday morning we Sat in the family room watching television when the cat entered the room.

Crystal lit into the eyebrow wiggling.  Sophie meowed and turned and ran out of the room. She went to the furnace room.    Twenty minutes later as we sat watching tv I saw a gray and white blur sail through the air in my peripheral vision.    The blur settled on Crystal's face.   It was Sophie! She had held a grudge and was dishing out revenge for the eyebrow wiggling. She had her paws wrapped around Crystal's head. Both back and front legs with her fuzzy belly covering Crystal's face completely.  She looked wildly around the room and meowed. We got the point.  "Let's see ya wiggle them eyebrows now girl! Do it one more time and I'll smack 'em off yer face!"  

        It was hilarious, but we quit doing it because the cat was scary.   I did not even know a cat could hold a grudge!  

above: eyebrows clip art

Below:  Sophie lounging very relaxed  

Answering Machine Rescue 

above: old style answering machine  

  Back in 2003 we still had an old style answering machine in our bedroom on a dresser next to a land line phone.     It was a big old oak dresser we still own.     The cat was fascinated by the voices coming from the machine.   She'd jump up there and bat at it and stare bewildered.   Trying to figure out how the person got in the machine.   She knocked the machine in the floor a couple times.  We found it funny.  

    One day Kenny, myself, and friend Rich Stevenson were out hiking. We were on the way home from Virgin Falls.  We decided to have my kids phone in a Pizza Hut pizza to pick up on our way through.  We called them and discussed it. Worked out the logistics.   Timed it out.   Then Kenny got a funny idea.  He told Rich how Sophie acted over the answering machine. He told our kids not to answer the phone the next call, but let it go to the answering machine.  They agreed.  He called the machine on the way down the road as Rich was driving.   "Here kitty, kitty, kitty! Sophie! Oh Sophie!"  

he yodeled into the machine.     

      We got home and after supper went into the bedroom to watch.  Kenny pushed the answering machine button and his kitty calling message played.  Poor Sophie came running.  Although Kenny was standing there she leaped up onto the dresser.  She was alarmed that Dad was IN the machine! She tried to dig him out!  She meowed and clawed at it until once again she knocked it in the floor.  

We were all howling with laughter.    After that we did not tease her with the answering machine anymore.  She was perturbed with us.  Rightfully so!

Above: Sophie helping me study. 

Backpacking Equipment Also Means War!

    I never understood it, but another something that used to set Sophie off was my backpacking gear.

She liked to fight my backpack and a pair of cushy slippers I took with me on cold weather trips.   It was like the sight of those items was one more way to declare war!    I have photos to prove it.  

Above Sophie fights my bedroom shoes

Below: She fights my backpack! 

How to Shave a Cat's Butt

  Sophie lived a long, happy, spoiled life.  She was about nine and was real fat and not able to get round to her back end to clean herself up the way she could as a youngster.   I am a serious DIYer and don't like paying for things I believe I could do myself.    Instead of taking the kitty to the groomer and paying $$$ to get her cleaned up I decided I'd do it for her..   She had a dirty butt with real bad dingleberries back there.  I bathed her and got her clean.  She did great for me.  I knew that unless her fuzzy backside was trimmed up I'd be repeating this unpleasant process again and again.   I knew I needed to trim the fur on her rear end to make it shorter, neater, less likely to catch poop.  

 The only clippers I had were Kenny's beard trimmer.   I thought to  myself "What he doesn't know won't hurt him".  I got the clippers out to use on the cat's rear end.   I sat down with her and wrapped her in a towel with her butt sticking out.  I proceeded to try to shave her butt.   The next thing I knew she let out a yowl and took off like a split streak!   She was gone!  Hiding from me. I'd had my chance and blew it!      I conceded my defeat. I cleaned up the beard trimmer and put it away where I'd gotten it.  I went on with my day and did not think about the incident again. Well,  I didn't at least for awhile. 

One evening I was lying on the bed reading when Kenny came in and went to our bathroom.  I heard the sound of the beard trimmer.  My guilty conscience twitched a tiny bit, but the evil side of me got tickled and started to laugh.   The bathroom door was open so I knew I had to try to contain myself.

He would see me and hear me guffawing and rolling around and it would give me away.  

 I couldn't keep it together.  He did indeed hear me and stopped what he was doing to confront me. 
"Alright. Let's have it?! Spit it out!? What have you done now?"  At first there was no way of telling him for I could not stop laughing.    I finally got to where I could speak and I proceeded to tell him what I'd done.  Once I Dana-splained to him he didn't get mad, but laughed like a crazy man!  His response? "Joke's on you girly!  You're lucky she didn't claw your eyes out!  This beard trimmer is awful! It pulls the hairs out!  You're lucky to still be ALIVE!"  👀

  Then we both lost it and went into another fit of belly laughs.  Sophie was the only one who didn't find it funny!  Poor thing.  We're crazy round here, but we keep things interesting. 

        Below: Sophie sleeps atop my chicken  Aunt Clucky

Fuzzy the Squirrel Returns!

 Back last July we went to O.P. Taylor's Toy Store in Brevard. It was Gabe's first visit ever.  He wanted an umbrella. That was all he asked for.   I wanted to get him a Brevard white squirrel as a souvenir of his first camping trip to the area.   I interviewed all the squirrels and brought home the best one.   As soon as we got back to the house on Sunday we gave Fuzzy a Morris Minor car and he got in it and drove it like he stole it!   Gabe fell in love with the crazy squirrel!  Tippy either really liked him... or really DIDN"T like him and took and buried him in the yard.  This per Gabe.   We found the car, but not the squirrel.   Lorraine at the White Squirrel Shoppe in Brevard heard about it and graciously offered to send Gabe another squirrel and a key ring!  He had a fit when he got it today in the mail.   He couldn't believe Fuzzy found its way home and had a baby into the bargain!   As soon as Fuzzy and baby squirrel had some hugs and ate some walnuts there was a rampage of driving and chasing the cats.  A 9-1-1 call was made to the law to report Tippy for burying him in the yard.  It has been an eventful day!  Thanks ever so much Ms Lorraine for the wonderful present. Very generous.  We love you for it. ❤   To get your very own Fuzzy the Squirrel or many other unique gift items visit the White Squirrel Shoppe in Brevard and check out their 

Facebook page. 

Above: opening the package that came for Gabe

Above and below: Gabe is thrilled to see Fuzzy is back and has a baby!

Above: Gabe and Tippy... It was Tippy who buried Fuzzy in the yard.  She may have been jealous or just doing what dogs do.  She loses her mind at the squirrels she sees out the window in the yard so Fuzzy was a natural target for her frustrations at being unable to catch them. 

Below: Gabe, Fuzzy, Baby Fuzzy and the Morris Minor

Somebody is happy to see his favorite squirrel.

Below: Fuzzy and baby Fuzzy chased the cats and tried to run over them with the car.  

That's a Burying Offense!

I did a timeline search for photos of Fuzzy from Facebook.  I found something that totally explains why Tippy was gunning for the squirrel and buried him in the yard.    Tippy was humiliated by Fuzzy!   Read the incident below:  too funny

March 23, 2020

This morning I took Gabe home to Lydia after we got ourselves awake. His little dog, Tippy, was real glad to see him. He was driving Fuzzy the White Squirrel back and forth on the sofa in Fuzzy's Morris Minor toy car. The dog was after it like a big dog out on the street chasing cars. She was the typical crack head chihuahua about it....... jumping forward and backward... and then..... she flung herself backwards over the arm of the couch and onto the floor in the blink of an eye. We all lost it. Could not stop laughing. She was embarrassed and crawled into her dog bed and sat just looking at us in shame. Animals are hilarious.

Below is a video of Fuzzy and his vacation plans

 

Below: Gabe and Tippy have just waked up at Nanny's house.  They are so cute!

Grandma Edna, Uncle Joe and the Table

Above:  My kin people... my grandma Edna is in the back row in the center. 

Grandma Edna, Uncle Joe and the Table 

Dana Koogler 

Friday September 25, 2020

   My mom's mother Edna, was a beautiful lady and very salty.   She had a temper that was as hot as she was pretty to look at.   She came from a large, close knit family.   They grew up poor, but hardworking.  They tried real hard to take good care of one another and to take care of what they'd worked for.     Grandma told me this story and it was one of the funniest things I ever heard.  

    She worked hard at American Safety Razor and my grandfather worked at DuPont.   Their household was busy and usually full.  It was mostly my grandparents, my mom, and my great grandmother living there at home.   The dining room had a nice antique table.   She told me it stayed piled up with clothing, papers, books, and the like.   She grew weary of clearing the mess and announced to the whole family that she was wore out with it.  She told them if they couldn't quit using the table as a closet and a catch all and use it instead for its intended purpose she was going to do away with it.   They did not listen. Nothing changed so she made good on her word.

   

    She called my uncle Joe to help her.  He had told her he would help her load up the table and they could store it in the basement of his house.  He was an Italian, Catholic married into a family of Baptists from Appalachia.   He married my Aunt Mike for awhile though they eventually divorced.  At the time I think he and Aunt Mike were living in Verona which is a town about five miles away from my grandparents house.   

Above: my Aunt Mary aka Mike who married Joe...she is on the top left, next to her on the far right is Aunt Phyllis, at the bottom center is Aunt Mike's fraternal twin.... Aunt Martha aka Fairy.  

Below:  Joe Abatangelo.. Uncle Joe and his 2nd wife Pat years later.

         They loaded the table onto a homemade trailer made from a truck bed.

They hitched it to the back of Grandma's car.  She got to thinking about it and asked Joe if he minded driving.  She had not towed the trailer before and didn't feel comfortable with it.  He was not much more certain about it, but he agreed to drive.  All the way over to Verona she fussed about the situation and having to store her pretty antique table.   

Above: homemade wagon like the one they used to haul the table.

       They got to a curve on the road near the old Genesco Coat Factory.  It was a big sweeping curve just past the factory.  Out from it was a pasture field.   She caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of her eye.  She quickly turned to look at lo and behold... the wagon passed them on the left.   

      Grandma and Uncle Joe were astonished and gaped open mouthed as they watched the wagon on its own now.  It passed them on the left. Went across the road in front of them at a high rate of speed, hit the ditch where the tounge of the wagon dug into the earth and catapulted the table high and wide into the cow pasture where it shattered to smithereens.  

         Joe pulled the car over at once.   They got out and surveyed the scene in utter disbelief.    Grandma said she laughed, cussed, and cried all at once.  Joe being Catholic with a typical high sense of guilt instilled by his faith... prayed. He prayed for himself. He prayed for Grandma.  He crossed himself and prayed for the table. 

She looked at how he was doing and got even more tickled.  Finally it hit her: This never happened!  She realized it was unwitnessed.   She would just not say anything about it and they'd forget the whole thing.   She told Joe just that and was in the process of swearing him to secrecy when the worst person in the world to find out about it pulled up.  The neighbor Lawrence Chapman pulled over and saw the scene with the table smashed out in the field.  The wagon with the tongue now embedded in the dirt bank.   There was nothing for it. Lawrence went to laughing and teasing.  It was all over with now.  Wont gonna be no keeping it quiet as much as he liked to tease and pick.   He was a jolly man and lived just a mile or so out the dirt road from my grandparents.  I never did hear what granddaddy had to say about it, but he pulled a few stunts over the years too. I imagine he knew better than to say too much.    

     She thought she'd get away with it, but it was not in the cards.